Thanksgiving totally threw me off the blogging schedule - I had an awesome chosen-family holiday away from it all and it's hard to leap back into productivity. Oh and I was sick forever afterwards. Nothing like relaxing to open yourself to some germs.
I have a lot to say about pregnancy-related things, being a dad things, trans things.. and I'm not sure where to start. Generally I like to have a topic decided before I start writing these things so it's all smooth and flowy. My wife is going to have a baby in two months and that's crazy soon - watching him grow inside her is so intense. I wish I could feel him kick more often, but usually I put my hand there and he stops. That could be encouraging, maybe my touch soothes him? I would not mind that at all. I wish she wasn't so uncomfortable all the time doing this amazing job that I would not like to do ever.
I'm having a little bit of a hard time with coming back from Thanksgiving because I was able to hang out with some transman friends and that type of community isn't the norm for me on a day-to-day basis. I could imagine what it would be like to text one of them and say I'm coming over to hang out for an hour, and that be easy and regular and okay. Projecting more into the future, I'd like people near me so I can come over with the baby without lugging a ton of crap on mass transit - like walking to someone's house. Neighbors. The apartment we live in is super cheap and in a great part of town, just all of my friends live either in another area of the city or all over the map. I'm a little anxious that after everyone gets over the absolutely adorable newborn and we're alone in our apartment it will be hard to meet up with friends. I was warned about this happening, by people in the know. Although I was also told that I was going to be so tired for so very long that I may not care as much.
It's been hard for me to make friends my whole life, and have only been in my current location for the past three years. I had to leave some very good friends across the country, and some of the long distance love is great but it is hard to keep up. I have a handful of awesome friends that I've known now for over 15 years and we see each other every once in a while. All the good stuff is still there, but we've all just gotten older and have busy, exciting, productive lives. I wonder if most transmen have had a history of difficult friend issues or anxieties... might not be as easy with inner storms to connect outside and feel seen and safe and sure. It's taken me a very long time to be okay with trust that people genuinely like me and want to be my friend without having random anxiety attacks. But I still worry that I'm not as good a friend as I'd like to be sometimes, and know that I can drop the ball sometimes and stall communication efforts. I think my mom idealized relationships with people and had a lot of anxiety about what others thought or how they regarded her and I definitely was given that message growing up.
So now of course I have to stop writing and get to work, where I'm trying to get a promotion before the year's end and double my salary within my first year of employment there. Give a man a goal and a big incentive (like an unemployed pregnant wife) and get out of his way.
