It's been a couple of days since I posted; yesterday I was super hungover. It was nice to go out and blow off some steam with some good friends and yesterday I just stayed on the couch and watched Dr. Who reruns all day. One of my favorite things to do in the whole world.
We started off the night at a gay bar - one that I used to hang out in when I was a dyke. It was fun to be there but slightly weird. I used to go there with my softball team on Sundays after games. That should fill your head with pictures.
All the girls and boys first thought I was a gay man, then perhaps a straight man. I have been told by my wife that I get extra gay when I'm hanging out with the 'family'. Oh yes I do. Flame on, as they say. But it would be nice if there was a secret handshake or a signal I could flash to be obviously trans. I know it's convenient to want to be seen as queer in some places and straight in others - that is a luxury and a privilege that I cannot but take in with each breath. As complex and storied as my identity, the divergent needs of my public/private self causes me no small amount of consternation and discomfort. I have decided to live without guilt, however, as much as I can, and being myself with my own needs is a hard-won victory.
Earlier in the week, my wife and I went to a queer prospective/to-be parents support group type function. There were a few gay men there, looking for lesbians to perhaps act as surrogates. The first guy seemingly never heard of FTMs, or most certainly never met anyone FTM, and said some awkward and really rude things. I think he was borderline or something. The second guy I spoke to started the conversation asking how I got hooked up with my wife, assuming she was my surrogate. It was another awkward coming-out conversation but he was more embarrassed than rude.
I'm realizing that I spend a lot of time in queer spaces thinking about whether people read me as queer and if they get me as trans. Maybe I spend too much energy on thinking about how I'm perceived.
We capped off the night, by the way, at a karaoke bar, where we rented a room for a couple of hours and sang Eminem, Depeche Mode and Journey. Talk about gay.
Hi! I'm a friend of Kim Brown's, and she just linked me over here. Very cool to read your reflections and experiences... I and most of my queer friends are still in the "I hope I'll have a family someday" stage, so it's neat to read stuff from someone who's a few steps further down the road.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a secret signal people could flash to show that they were queer, with variations for trans, gay, and whatever else. I had an experience just last night of meeting a guy and thinking, "He looks queer... possibly trans?" but of course I couldn't know, and I feel presumptuous speculating about a new acquaintance's gender, sexuality, and personal history, but it's also such a natural human thing to do, and... yeah, I wish there was a secret handshake.
Anyway, I look forward to reading your upcoming writings. And Dr Who rules :-)
Ah bro, how is trans NOT on everybody's radar these days? Some people just live in a bubble. Even the homos. sigh.
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