Randomness

Alright I hate it that my father is my Facebook friend. I didn't answer his email about him wanting to engage me in conversation and now he has resorted to commenting on absolutely everything that I post on Facebook. I know I'm going to have to send him something soon - aside from saving my wife from his chat requests, it would be the mature thing to do. And may pave the way for movement towards a better relationship.

Sometimes I think I just get really angry that I am the one who has to be the grown-up here and rebel by being stubborn and intractable. And even as I pause to question myself, search for another perspective to ensure that the story isn't stuck, I cannot find a situation where I felt that he was managing our boundaries or putting my feelings first. I feel mean and heartless sometimes, like there's this sad puppy who wants to play and I have to work in silence without distraction. Poor guy just wants to know everything's okay, needs some attention, wants to endlessly process his feelings about something deeply personal and painful to me without understanding the effect of his words. Deep breath.

Yeah, I'm not ready to talk to my father again, yet. But when I do, I intend to at least try to say I will not discuss anything regarding his feelings about my transition. Ever. If he needs some support he is going to have to join a group or get a therapist. And I don't want to process his faults re: fatherhood anymore. It keeps both of us victims and that is a bad orientation for our relationship. If he agrees to leave these topics behind, I may be able to have a limited trial relationship again.