Power of community

I have been lucky enough to surround myself with some amazing people; giving, intelligent, creative, not bad to look at, and adequately strange. I didn't have a group of friends until I went to college. The prevailing theory is that someone circulated a memo when I was in first grade and everyone said "not it" before me. By the time I was circulated around to other groups of children years later, the weird stuck on me so I spent a lot of time alone.

I had one other weirdo friend when I was in junior high school, but all of the things we had in common could not combat one or two barriers to real friendship. Going to different high schools might as well be different universes, and she started hanging out with a girl who could have been the token 14 yr old alcoholic on a Degrassi episode. I was very much against drugs and alcohol (my response was, "I'm weird enough I don't need to drink") which may have been one bonus to growing up with alcoholics and drug addicts. But the thing that really broke us apart is that she is a racist. We would have epic arguments where she insisted that black people were more dangerous than white people, and I would berate her for dating guys who wore swastika belt buckles and point out how dangerous white people can be. Sadly, she was taught to be racist by her mother, who was a high school typing teacher in the Bronx. So that means hundreds, if not thousands of black and latino kids had to not only suffer through typing class, but with a racist white lady seething as she guided their fingers over the keys.

My first friend group was not ideal, but could have been worse. They were idealists, artists, writers, and anarchists - a little self-righteous, well-read-poor-kid-that-got-out-of-the-neighborhood, but in the end, more independent film and New York Times than scrappy street urchin. I had fun with them, learned how to hold my tequila and bong hits, saw lots of live music and talked until dawn about dead philosophers. I was still the weird kid with them though. They made fun of me to my face: how I walked, that I was Jewish, I couldn't possibly be smart enough or cool enough, my poetry was bad... If I had any self-esteem I would have found another group of friends, but, things being as they were I was pretty lucky. I could have fallen into a crowd that was into heroin or something. I was sleeping with this guy who was part of the group, but he didn't want anyone else to know, and that felt pretty horrible. But I didn't even catch a cold from him or any of the other guys I slept with.

The group after that was awesome, though, and I'm still friends with a lot of those people. I came out around 21 and had a nice dyke community around me. We also talked until dawn about politics and philosophy but they were loving and supportive. And we were all weirdos and didn't turn against another, which I think is a nice part of the queer community. Well, for the most part. People are still a-holes sometimes but I have more faith in some circles than others. I should mention that I'm nearly 40 years old so it's been a couple of lifetimes since then.

After moving cross-country a couple of times and going to grad school I feel like I have a couple of disparate friend groups scattered about and nobody who lives in my neighborhood. I ache for the ability to text a friend and walk a couple of blocks to his house. Pop out for one beer at the neighborhood bar and go home less than an hour later. Run into a friend on the street. Everyone is so busy, without having the proximity I have to make plans days and weeks in advance to see people. Some friends, who I love dearly, I see them months apart. My friends have kept me going and I feel so loved and supported. But I'm often lonely, too. Maybe that's normal when someone gets married and starts a family - it's just a matter of time and priorities cleaving off chunks of community. Maybe the apex of it all was the wedding and after that it's all downhill, so to speak.
That's making sense to me but it's sort of depressing. I think I just need a best friend, someone I talk to every day or couple of days just to say hi. I think I had that more when I was a dyke too, maybe men just don't get those? Not sure how it all works, really. The gender thing and friendship is a whole other blog entry.